So the Steelers lost their opener. First time in a gazillion years since they lost their opener at home. The stats speak loudly without needing to be verbalized. The mistakes in clock management and play calling were egregious at best. The Steelers best healthy offensive player found himself on the turf more than the Chemlawn guy that sprays my neighbor’s lawn. The offensive line is going to have to let a lot more defenders pass if they want to set any kind of record this season, because the only one possible for all intents and purposes after week one would be the let our QB be sacked 105 times, which would surpass by 1 the amount of times the 1986 Eagles allowed their play caller to hit the grass.
What is a nation of fanatics to do when the outlook is this grim, and negativity abounds? I’m here with the answer, Steeler Nation. You drink. Copiously. But simply consuming alcohol on Sundays will not be nearly enough to sufficiently lubricate the esophagus to consume the horse pill that will need to be swallowed for each, save one (thank you NFL for the bye week to recover), of the next 16 weeks. My gift to you, Steeler fans, is the official 2013 Steeler Consumption Challenge. This is not a game. This is serious…a true challenge.
This will involve prep, practice and total participation to truly master, but with enough repetition, it CAN be accomplished, although your following day productivity numbers will surely suffer. But if the team is suffering, you should share in their pain. What you will need:
– TV for viewing the game
– Large quantity of cheap swill
– An incredible thirst
– A desire to succeed
– Tylenol
Now that you are sufficiently prepped insofar as necessities, let’s get down to brass tacks. The following is a list of events that will require you to take a sip, gulp, or chug, and the respective amount to consume for each item.
– National anthem: 1 gulp. 3 if it goes over 1 minute. 4 if sung by a country music star. Chug if sung by Styx.
– Coin toss: 1 sip. 2 if you call it correctly. Everyone wins here.
– Kick offs: If the Steelers to receive, 1 gulp for a touchback, 2 if returned to inside the 20, no drinks if returned for a touchdown. (This IS a challenge, remember.) Your own discretion for any return between the 20 and the end zone. If Steelers kick off, 1 gulp for return outside the 20, and one additional gulp for each 20 yards gained after the initial 20. Steelers give up a TD on the kickoff: chug.
Steelers on Offense:
– Run play resulting in a loss of yardage: 2 sips. Same goes for a pass play for a loss.
– Ben flushed from pocket: 1 gulp before he releases the ball (don’t worry, you’ll have PLENTY of time).
– Ben sacked: Chug until your eyes water, so that you have an excuse for your tears.
– Ben sacked on consecutive plays: 2 more solid gulps.
– O-lineman misses their assignment: 2 sips.
– False start or a holding call resulting in a positive play being called back: chug
– Turnover in the red zone: 2 gulps
Steelers on Defense:
– Run play over 5 yards: 1 sip. Additional sip for each five yards gained on said run. These must be taken when the ball carrier crosses each individual 5 yard increment. You must be prepared for this…it happens quickly.
– Pass play over 15 yards, chug (after you get finished cussing Ike Taylor for busted coverage, of course).
– Pass interference: 1 gulp. Pass interference resulting in a trip into the red zone: 2 gulps.
– Offside penalty: 2 sips. Offside by Troy trying to jump the snap: 2 gulps.
– Ryan Clark displaying that his favorite player is indeed Ryan Clark: 1 gulp.
– Any mention of Brett Keisel’s beard: 2 sips
Please feel free to add/subtract/adjust rules as necessary to facilitate proper consumption. All rules are open to interpretation and/or argument, but just remember what you attempting to do here…complete a full game challenge. Best of luck, and Godspeed.
