There is a distinctively sad air to the general population of this region, and it has been building for several months now. Spreading like wildfire as of late, the origin of your malaise is widely misunderstood. I have been tirelessly researching with the assistance of noted psychologist Dr. Miller-Lite, as well as consulting with a lifelong Detroit Lions fan to uncover the true nature of this malady, and as it turns out, the disease already has a name. Gridiron Hopelessness Affective Disorder, or GHAD for short.
To diagnose this disease is not difficult. There are many symptoms, which according to Dr. Miller-Lite, actually rear their ugly heads in a specific chronological order. Stages, if you will. Nine of them in total. She has supplied to me a list to share with you, dear downtrodden reader, to help you understand which stage you could be in, and what to expect of the upcoming stages.
Stage 1- Anger
This is probably the most recognizable but misdiagnosed stage. According to our Detroit Lions consultant, this one can manifest itself for longer periods of time the first time you contract GHAD. You will know you have fallen victim to GHAD if you find yourself uttering (or yelling) anything similar to the following phrases during your team’s games:
– “THAT CONTACT WAS INCIDENTAL, DAMMIT!”
– (towards opposing team’s receiver)“BEG FOR A FLAG LONG ENOUGH AND YOU’LL GET IT……THERE YA GO…A-HOLE.”
– (insert name of your team’s player here), “YOU’RE A D-BAG”.
Stage 2- Denial
This stage can be one of the longest and most painful, sometimes lasting up to seven weeks. Earmarks of this stage are comments such as:
– “Dude, we’re 2-5. We can still win out and make the playoffs. Maybe even win our division!”
– “Tom Brady isn’t really all that good. Our defense can shut him down.”
– “The rest of our schedule is cake. We got this.”
There is good news here, fellow sufferers. Once you get through the denial stage, most of the rest evolve relatively quickly.
Stage 3- False Hope
Manifestations of this stage are easily recognizable by the absurdity of the verbalizations that accompany it.
– “Plenty of time left. 2:43 on the clock? All we need is two TD’s, an onside kick recovery, a FG, a safety and we’ll force OT.”
Stage 4- Transmutation
This stage is where one calls for the firing of everybody on the sidelines of your team. Coaches, players, even the ball boy’s job isn’t safe. There is a definite air of irrationality to this stage, but which seems completely justified at the time. Verbalizations are usually some form of:
– “Time to clean house. Get rid of the whole lot. Time to start over. This team sucks.”
Stage 5- Rage
This is an extension of Stage 1 anger, and one should not become alarmed at its re-manifestation. Not to worry, dear reader. GHAD isn’t circling back to start from the beginning and torture you with the prior four stages. This is a natural progression which shows that your frail human brain is fighting the good fight, attempting to deny GHAD. Verbalizations typically show a more scattered pattern, and make less sense than Stage 1 anger.
– “Phil Sims, you’re a d-bag.”
– “Cris Collinsworth, I hate you.”
– “Who in the world brought buffalo chicken dip and forgot to bring chips???”
Oddly enough, one of the more common statements associated with Rage actually invokes the name of this terrible disease, unbeknownst to the afflicted:
“GHAD hates me.”
Stage 6-Apathy
Hallmarks of apathy include statements such as:
– “I don’t even care about this game.”
– “I’m going to Giant Eagle at 1:30 this Sunday when there’s not a bunch of jagoffs there to annoy me.”
– “Wanna go golfing this Sunday afternoon?”
Stage 7- Pity
This stage usually begins around week 10 and can last through weeks 13-14. One feels bad for the team as a whole. This is exacerbated by the team’s ineptitude, but will pass in time. It’s one of the tougher stages to handle because its effects can linger for days after a game.
Stage 8- Complacency
Verbalizations include, but are not limited to:
– “I know we suck. I still love them though.”
– “C’mon guys, I’d appreciate just one more win, but it’s OK if you don’t get it, as long as you try your best.”
Stage 9- Resignation
The final stage of this disease is one that lingers. It is only in this stage that you completely accept the fate of your team. GHAD can only be completely eradicated by a successful season. Our Lions fan consultant has been a victim of this disease for decades, and is only now beginning to realize the joys associated with being fanatic about a winning team.
Other symptoms can include anxiety, nausea, restlessness, listlessness, suicidal ideations, alcoholism, nervousness, fatigue, insomnia, anal seepage, atrial fibrillations, and general angst.
Although one cannot avoid contracting this disease, with knowledge comes solace. Steeler fans should be happy that this could be a once in a generation cycle. This condition is much more prevalent in other regions, such as St. Louis, Carolina, Jacksonville, Cleveland (rampantly contagious there) and Miami.
So remember folks, if you’re down and out because of football season. Don’t blame your team. Blame GHAD.
