The Pittsburgh Steelers found themselves in an unusual position during their early season bye week: With an unimpressive record of 1-2, they are under .500. It’s the first time the Steelers have had a losing record at the bye week since 2006. “Ha!” said the Pirates. “That’s nothing – we’ve been finishing the season under .500 for 20 years now.”
Anyway, with the black and gold jerseys, tailgate grills, and television sets tucked away last weekend, it was our job to chronicle what the Steelers players, coaches, and media members did with their precious time off during the bye week. Prepare yourself once again, Steeler Nation, for a side of your favorite team you won’t see anywhere else…
Star quarterback Ben Roethlisberger spent the weekend at a surprise baby shower thrown by his teammates, in anticipation of his new baby boy. Although Big Ben wouldn’t publicly admit it, his favorite gift was something to hang in the kid’s bedroom: A dartboard with Todd Haley’s face on it.
Former starting running back Rashard Mendenhall was seen at the Southside practice facility rehabbing his injured knee, and telling reporters he will be ready to go against the Eagles. He also made a wild prediction that he would average “at least” 3 yards per carry this season.
Meanwhile, little used running back Chris Rainey could be seen walking the streets of the city with a football under his arm, presumably so he could remember what it felt like to carry a ball.
Injured linebacker James Harrison was asked for his thoughts on the upcoming Presidential election, and, like always, he pulled no punches. “I’m the only modern professional athlete who has snubbed two U.S. Presidents, and I hope to someday get the chance to snub a third,” he said. “But I’m not voting. Both of these candidates are equally horrible. It’s like asking, ‘Who’s better – the Browns or the Pirates?’”
The longest-tenured Steeler, nosetackle Casey Hampton, spent the weekend doing what he does best – eating. He ate at least one sandwich at all 15 Primanti Bros. locations throughout western PA, even the one inside PNC Park. He only skipped the Heinz Field and Consol Energy Center locations because they wouldn’t open specifically to serve him.
Enigmatic safety Troy Polamalu spent most of the weekend relaxing at home with his family. When asked for his thoughts about the NHL lockout, he mysteriously replied, “Hockey is a magical sport that reaches close to the human soul. Think about it…skating on ice? It’s a beautiful thing, and when the owners and players realize this, the lockout will be over.”
Long snapper Greg Warren has been on an eight-years-and-counting quest to get recognized as a real member of the team. He attended the Pirates game on Saturday night wearing his game worn jersey, game-worn pants, his two Super Bowl rings, and even his helmet. He didn’t receive a single autograph request, and one vigilant usher reported the rings as stolen.
Cornerback Ike Taylor said he was looking forward to playing in October, because it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month. “Look at my stats,” he boasted. “My average number of dropped interceptions goes way down when I’m wearing pink gloves.”
Speedy wideout Mike Wallace – known in his youth as “the fastest iced-tea drinker in New Orleans” – signed an endorsement deal with local favorite Turner’s Iced Tea. Notably, on every new carton of iced tea, there are photos of linebackers LeMarr Woodley and Lawrence Timmons with the caption, “Have you seen these players?”
As usual, coach Mike Tomlin was all business during the time off, breaking down film, studying the Eagles, and generally being cooler than anyone else he came in contact with. His statements to the media included this classic Tomlinsim: “What more can I say? You know how it is around here. The bye week is the bye week.”
Internet sensation Pittsburgh Dad caused a bit of a stir when he criticized embattled defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau. In response, Steelers’ team president Art Rooney II released the following statement: “The Steelers have a long history and tradition of utilizing the zone blitz, and we will be sticking with this philosophy indefinitely, even if it becomes outdated and inefficient.”
Defensive lineman Brett Keisel was seen riding around the streets of Pittsburgh on his tractor – the same one on which he arrived at training camp. When asked to compare his tractor with his famous beard, he offered this: “Well, the beard has its own Facebook page, but the tractor…well, the tractor could take care of a beard like this in about 2 seconds.”
Former wide receiver Hines Ward is looking forward to returning to Pittsburgh on November 18 for the Steelers’ Sunday night matchup against the Ravens, saying he would even be willing to come out of retirement for only this one game. He also noted that the Steelers kept only four receivers on the roster this season, saying, “The organization quite obviously knows that I’m irreplaceable.”
Finally, the always-interesting Terry Bradshaw had this to say about the Pirates, who just extended the record for professional sports futility by clinching their 20th straight losing season: “Aww, the Pirates– sheeesh. I remember when they had Barry Bonds and Andy Van Pelt and those guys, they were something else. But now? Heck, what an embarrassment to the city. It reminds me of the Steelers in the 50s and 60s, before I got to town and…well, y’all know how that one turned out. Ya see, Pirates, if you wanna be great, I suggest you find yourself a Terry Bradshaw.”
