So, unless you’ve spent the last couple weeks under a rock or in a coma, you’ve heard that Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice allegedly knocked out his then girlfriend in an elevator and was caught on video dragging her unconscious body out of said elevator. I use the term allegedly because we live in a world so obsessed with political correctness that we have to allow the possibility that she, I don’t know, went into a psychotic fit and smashed her own head off of the elevator wall, rendering herself unconscious and we should just be glad that Rice was there to drag her to safety (I really yearn for a sarcasm font).
New Jersey prosecutors continued to make a mockery of domestic violence by barely giving Rice a slap on the wrist. Roger Goodell, the almighty czar of the NFL, compounded the outrage by giving Rice a measly two-game suspension. Shove pink jerseys down our throats in October and pretend to stand up for the women in your lives, but turn around and all but condone physically striking them; one more tally in the column of nauseating hypocrisy from the league.
We’ve all pounded our chest and shouted our outrage from our soapboxes, knowing in our heart of hearts that it doesn’t matter. The NFL cares about one thing and one thing only — money. So, I’m not here to talk about my outrage at the laughable suspension, though my outrage is palpable. I’m here to ask everyone to do one very important thing — stop crucifying the victim.
First, Stephen A. Smith had the audacity to insinuate that women are in some way responsible for their own abuse. He’s talked around it, backpedaled and otherwise tried to change his original message, but his message was clear and the message was infuriating. But he’s paid to do just that – get people fired up. I loathe the idea that someone could really believe that line of thought, but I loathe the idea that men think hitting women is ok, too.
The part of this entire situation that has bothered me most is the number of people, both men and women, who I have heard criticizing Janay Palmer for staying in the relationship. While I agree that there’s an opportunity for her to educate other women, to “be an example” and to stand up for other women everywhere, it’s simply not that easy. I’m not sure it’s possible for any outsider to understand the amount of mental and emotional turmoil caused by being hit by someone you love, let alone dealing with that under the judgmental eye of the public.
There is not a single woman who stays in an abusive relationship because she thinks the situation is healthy. She knows in her heart of hearts that the “right thing” to do may be to walk away, to set an example for her daughter, for other women. She wants to, but she can’t. Perhaps she’s afraid – maybe she’s been threatened. Maybe she has nowhere else to go. Maybe her self esteem and self worth have been worn so thin that she’s begun believing that, like Smith believes, that something she said or did caused this, and that if she can just become a better girlfriend or wife, the situation will change.
It’s far too easy to sit up on our high horse and tell other people how they should live their lives, how they should have reacted to what is without a doubt one of the most difficult circumstances they’ll ever be in. But we need to stop. If you pray, pray that she finds the strength to walk away if it happens again (and statistics strongly suggest it will). Pray that she’ll learn to love herself more than she loves the man who has hurt her. Just don’t judge her until you’ve walked a mile in her shoes.
*If you’re in an abusive relationship, there is help. Call 1.800.799.SAFE. There’s never an excuse for domestic violence, and it is NEVER your fault.*
