“Article by Gino Ferretti for Pittsburgh Sporting News”
It has been a while since you heard your favorite old dawg barking and causing a ruckus in your backyard. Sure you could’ve gone back there and checked for life, but hey, you got your own problems. Besides, if you press your ear to your nearest window, you can always hear a breath. Even as deadened and puny as it may be.
Because Cleveland always has life. Even when there’s no life in Cleveland.
But lately the city of can’tpions has something to bark about. That’s right! The comatose eyes of their sports fans are beginning to see a light that doesn’t resemble the burnished fires of hell. Within the span of two weeks, a dreamy college quarterback, with all the bells and whistles, landed in their laps along with the number one ping pong ball from his beer pong table.
I mean, the number one ping pong ball from the NBA Lottery.
Now Cleveland has a potential franchise quarterback along with the number one pick in next month’s NBA Draft.
Where have you seen such gripping theater play out before, you ask?
The Cleveland Show of course.
Since the 2000 season, the Browns have had a startling 20 quarterbacks play behind center. Three of those quarterbacks were first-round selections. For many years, quarterbacks in Cleveland were like interns during the Clinton administration. Someone was bound to get stuffed and dumped. To think 2014 first-round selection Johnny Manziel will save the Browns franchise is a daunting thought. Especially since he has to take on the responsibility of doing so.
Johnny Football’s first mini-camp should have ended with a relaxing Memorial Day weekend to recover, study his playbook, and prepare for OTAs on Tuesday. Instead he took to Las Vegas, prompting the main coverage to be focused on him spraying bottles of expensive champagne on college coeds, instead of spraying footballs down field. Every Browns’ fan wants Johnny Football to win the starting quarterback job, even if Johnny Vegas is more focused on popularity contests.
Fact is, Manziel is undersized for the quarterback position. And unless he can put a Brees behind the ball, his legs will only carry him as far as their durability. Ask Michael Vick and Falcons fans how that worked out for them.
Nevertheless, I was thinking about Johnny Football last week while I was watching the NBA Lottery Selection show on ESPN.
There stood Cavaliers’ newly minted owner David Griffin with Julius Erving representing the Philadelphia 76ers, and Mallory Edens representing the Milwaukee Bucks. They stood with ardent anticipation, waiting to hear which of the three would end up with the covenant number one overall pick in next month’s NBA Draft.
Going into the night, the Cavs had a 1.7 percent chance of winning the first overall pick. I said to myself that Johnny Football had a better chance of playing all 16 games next season.
Now would be a good time to tell you that I will be providing top notch fantasy football pick advice for the upcoming season. Any takers? No?
But before you think there’s no chance in Cleveland that the Cavs can mess this up, guess again.
Despite having obtained the first overall pick three times in the last five years, the Cavs have finished without a winning record in the last four seasons.
Last year, they inexplicably drafted Anthony Bennett first overall, and watched him become only the fifth rookie in 26 years to not be selected to the NBA All-Rookie Team.
With the first overall pick in 2011 they drafted Kyrie Irving, who has been a bit better than a disappointment. The 22-year old will be eligible for a contract extension this summer but the Cavs are hesitant to give him a max salary. Instead of building around Irving, they signed, suspended, and released a disturbed Andrew Bynum, fired coach Mike Brown, and left Irving in limbo as free agent Luol Deng will be an unlikely return. Now the Cavs have struck gold again, and all observers are pointing toward them re-drafting LeBron James.
I’m kidding.
But in Cleveland, you never really know what a joke is and what’s not.
With three potentially can’t miss draft picks in Joel Embiid, Andrew Wiggins, and Jabari Parker, the Cavs are said to be highly enticed by Embiid the most.
And whose better to bring a winning tradition back than the draft pick with the bad back?
If greatness is measured by success, then Cleveland is measured by incompetence.
No matter what’s on their plate, Cleveland always finds a way to go on a binge that turns into a purge. Their golden ticket is always counterfeit. They don’t shoot their way to the top, they shoot until they have to face the Bulls. They’re Michael Corleone coming out of the bathroom blasting with a water gun.
With Cleveland, you must treat them with the same benevolence as you would a little brother. When your little brother goes on stage to get his Little League participants trophy, you wouldn’t sit there in hatefulness. Why would you? If he’s happy, you’re happy. Because what makes him happy is child’s play compared to what you have to be happy about. You must act like you care. Even if you’d rather be peeking at Kate Middleton’s bare ass being exposed by a fiendish gust of wind.
Because eventually Cleveland will show their ass too.
And no city makes an ass out of itself better.
Sorry Kate.
When the Steelers travel to Cleveland in Week 6 of the NFL season, there should be a coup already in place to exert Manziel and his injured _________ (fill in the blank) out of town. And when the Browns exit at halftime, the Dawg Pound will assuredly be ready with their slingshots and rocks.
Cleveland rocks.
But if I’m misconstrued in any of my opinions, I will gladly chew on a plate of Cavs colored rocks if they make the postseason. I would also consider trudging across the Clemente Bridge in a Manziel jersey and Browns Speedo in the middle of January, if the Browns make it to a playoff showdown with the Steelers. All the while knowing I’m not necessarily wrong.
Even the sun shines on a dawg’s ass some days.
Photo Credit: ABC News
