Heading into Sunday’s game, the Pittsburgh Steelers have a pretty clear problem: New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski.
In just four games against the Steelers, Gronkowski has averaged 100.8 yards per game and has seven touchdowns.
Ooof.
So, how can the Steelers stop the tight end? There are, of course, the more basic options — jamming him, getting physical with him, quadruple covering him — but those are far from foolproof. So what about other ways of preventing the Patriots’ tight end from destroying the Pittsburgh secondary?
Here are the Steelers’ 10 best options:
10. Devout prayer
It’s time to hope that the football gods are Pittsburgh Steelers fans, or, at least, that they don’t like the New England Patriots. So fans should pray that someone can actually cover and tackle Gronk.
9. Another fire starts on the Liberty Bridge
When nobody is on the Liberty Bridge, another fire breaks out, closing it. As a result, Gronk gets stuck in the Pittsburgh traffic of rabid Steelers fans trying to make it to Heinz Field, and he ends up missing the game.
8. Throw the party of the century
It’s well-known that Gronk likes to party, which might be the tight end’s Achilles heel. So turn downtown Pittsburgh into a party zone, invite every major DJ known to man, serve up some jello or lemon drop shots, crank the music up and encourage twerking. Gronk will be there faster than you can say, “Yo soy fiesta.”
7. Rope in Sidney Crosby
While Gronk hasn’t seemed all that concerned about the impact of concussions on his post-NFL career (he once said he wasn’t concerned about memory loss because, “that happens all the time; I don’t even know how I got to my hotel room last night”), he decides the issue is a serious one and sits down with Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby, who has a history of concussions.
Gronk finds the conversation so fascinating that he loses track of time and doesn’t make it to the stadium.
6. Devout prayer
5. Take Gronk to Primanti Bro’s
Gronk decides he has to check out the legendary local Primanti Brothers — but one sandwich isn’t enough. Because the sandwiches are just so darn good, Gronk eats five of them and can’t move from his seat when it’s game time.
4. Make the street signs even more confusing
Pittsburgh is a very confusing place to drive, so Gronk takes a wrong turn somewhere and doesn’t realize it until he sees a sign that reads,”Welcome to West Virginia.” And once you step foot in West Virginia, you’re never leaving.
3. Bring back Mel Blount
Blount is widely regarded as one of the best cornerbacks of all time, and even at 68 years old, he’s still physical enough that he’d be able to stop Gronk. Pass interference penalties are stupid anyway.
2. Throw a Donald Trump Rally
Throw a Trump Rally right near Heinz Field and Gronk will get confused and wander in, thinking it’s one big party. (He can be heard calling for people to start chugging shots and asking where the keg stands are happening.) Plus, he’s heard this Trump guy is good friends with Tom Brady, anyway.
1. Devout prayer
Basically, Steelers fans, just pray to whatever god you believe in that Gronk doesn’t do too much damage in Sunday’s game.
